Oh birthdays! I turned 19 yesterday and it was my first birthday away from home. I will be perfectly honest.. I wasn't a fan. It didn't feel much like a birthday. I'm beginning to realize that getting older isn't much fun. Not that I am really that old but the whole concept of getting old. I can still remember a lot of my birthdays when I was young because I used to love them. I saved all of my birthday cards from age 5. Crazy how quickly age can come up on you. My favorite birthdays were the birthdays where I was surrounded by my family. Whether it was on Bluefield, Gottes Lane, or Conestoga. it was always more memorable when my siblings, parents, cousins, aunts, and uncles were all around. Everyone crammed together in Bluefield eating cake and ice cream are beloved memories. Now we're all old and spread out. It makes me sad sometimes knowing that we aren't the little punks were once were but that now we are just big punks. Some of my favorite gifts ever were from my Grams. She bought me the cutest one piece I think I have ever seen. I remember when I opened it I loved it and put it on right away. I got rollerblades that same year and I rode around the codasac in nothing but my bathing suit. I won't ever forget it. She also got me a Mary Engelbreit box that I keep all of my keepsakes in. They are gifts that I will keep and cherish forever. So now I'm 19 and not wanting to get any older. I remember telling my mother "I just want to get my license, turn 16 and never get any older." Wouldn't that be nice? I got some great gifts this year! My parents got me a Zeppelin T and a North Face jacket. First ever of the two. Erin gave me 15 bucks, for any poor college kid that is a fabulous gift. I'm grateful for such a great family.. and I missed them yesterday. Next year my birthday wish will be for us all to be together on all of our birthdays. Its just more fun! Here is to my last year of officially being a teenager.

I miss..

I miss the days when nothing mattered. The days when we could roam free without a care n the world. The days without responsibility. The days without worries. The days we dared to dream. But now the time to grow up has come. Change has come and with that true character shines through. Remaining true to yourself is key in order to survive in this world. If the weight of the world is evident just think back to the days when nothing mattered and you felt free.

Chris McCandles was fascinating and possibly the most interesting person I have ever read about. He went off of Thoreou and Tolstoy's beliefs and created his own. But one thing that he was was selfish. His actions were for his own sake. He lived for himself and himself only. I don't think he truly realized the hurt and pain that he caused on those who cared about him. He however has impacted many peoples lives yet he is hard to comprehend entirely. He lived the way he wanted to and not how society expects us to live and that says a lot. He wanted to live in the wild and he did just that.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I don't know about my life. Sometimes I think I'm supposed to be someone else. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing the right thing. Sometimes I wonder if I am really being me. Sometimes I wonder what the future holds. Sometimes I wonder if the past is what it was supposed to be. Sometimes I don't think God has a plan for me. Sometimes I don't think I will ever truly be loved. Sometimes I doubt myself. Sometimes I don't try. Sometimes I want to disappear. Sometimes I want to start over. Sometimes I don't know anything. Sometimes I don't understand. Sometimes I don't miss old times. Sometimes I know better than to wonder or to think at all.

Are You There?

Here I am on my knees.
Let yourself be known to me
I see the beauty all around
Yet I am lost still not found
I take a pill to make ends meet
To treat the happiness that we all seek
What do I do when times defeat?
I sit in sut and become weak.
Wondering why it is that we all die
I cry and cry yet am not heard
Please oh please Lord hear my sigh
I need you here right now this time.

L.I.F.E.

Ever feel like your life is continuously changing? Chances are because it is. Life is like a roller coaster and emotions are  an endless trip to no where. Just when you feel as if you've changed into the person you want to be.. You turn around and your right back to where you started. Its a matter of overcoming that change and sticking to it. Yes at first it may be sheer terror.. But the satisfaction in knowing that you did something for yourself as an individual.. Despite the opinions and murmurs of others: Nothing can beat proving people wrong. When it comes to life at times one has no choice but to be guarded.. Its only a matter of time for each and every individual on this earth to potentially give themselves to another human being. With that a feeling that is indescribable is felt.. Nothing can top it. The person not only offers the  comforting feeling of being safe but assurance that everything is and always will be okay. I believe that life is about learning, about experiencing, about loving and about being happy. How long till we find our so-called "soul mates".. no one knows. There is no telling. The more we look the less likely we are to find it.. Love works by itself. It is an extraordinary thing that every person is entitled too.. Because when it comes down to it, We are all extraordinary. So when your life is feeling like a whirl pool just stop and remember. Someday, somewhere you will find the person that will make it all worthwhile.

The Knot

Till death do us part.

Yes, when does that start?

The day that we die is the day that we part?

Why oh why? Lets just let out a sigh.

There must be an easier way to stay.

Here and now we sit and pray.

Suddenly I see,

It is for time and all eternity.

You and I fall to our knees and plea.

Oh please, please just stay with me.

For all time and all eternity.

Lets have a ball and prosper tall.

Lets make a family: big not small.

We can have our cake and eat it too.

Lets continue this adventure..

From here and out just me and you.